Thirza Ashelford answers your parenting questions

Why has my baby started grunting at me?

Why do bathing and teeth brushing cause such tantrums?

Dilemmas

I'm invited to a 'no kids' wedding. Can I leave my 3-month-old behind?

One of my best friends is getting married and has requested no children. By then my unborn child will be three months old. What do I do? Can I leave him with my mother? Does it depend if I'm breastfeeding? Or do I take him and promise to take him out of the church if he cries? If I do take him, can I fly with a three-month-old or should we take a train? We will also need to hire a car. Can I take a car seat? Any advice gratefully appreciated!

Thirza says: I’m sure if your friend has said no children then she has her reasons, and taking your baby may not go down well with other guests who have made arrangements for their own children. But – check it out with her! She may not mind babies who stay in one place, she just doesn’t want over-excited toddlers or small people creating havoc! There also might be a cost implication to her saying no children, but the only food your baby will need you will provide.

So – your questions: you can of course leave your baby with a relative or close friend as long as you are happy that they will care for him/her in your absence. If you are breast feeding you can express extra milk and freeze it in the time leading up to your departure, but this means that you will still be producing milk while away so you will have to continue to express in order to keep the supply going and so that you don’t suffer. Again, talk to your friend about this as she may not have considered this aspect. If you are going to do this, introduce your baby to a bottle a few days before you go so that he and the people who will care for him while you are away are used to this. 

You don’t say how long you will be away but as you mention flying or trains I assume it will be a few days. If you do decide to take your baby with you flying will be absolutely fine. Many airlines allow parents with young children to have priority seats and will supply aircots. Make sure you let them know how young your baby is so that they can help you as much as possible. 

Trains can be very cramped when travelling with a young baby so booking a seat is an absolute must. Always try to get one with a table so you have a bit more space. 

When you hire your car, tell them you will need to fit a car seat for a young baby. Some companies may supply car seats too (at a price) but you may feel happier bringing your own. If you are going to do that, do remember that babies should not spend too long in their seats - take yourr baby out as soon as possible so that he or she can lie flat and stretch. 

Whatever form of transport you do choose take a carry cot/pram with you so that your baby can lie flat for as much of the journey as possible, this will help to keep him happy and comfortable so you - and your friend – can enjoy the wedding!

Should I let my daughter see her drinking and drug taking father?

When I had my daughter, my ex wanted nothing to do with me or her. He even said he wanted a DNA test because he knew she wasn't his. I had the test and it showed that she was his, which I knew anyway. Since then he is always ringing and arranging to meet up. The problem is, he is very heavily into drink and drugs, and I do not want my daughter to be around drugs and drink. Should I stop him from seeing her? I want her to know her dad but not as he is at the moment. I know he would make a great dad if he stopped drinking and taking drugs. 

Thirza says: your ex-boyfriend is the only person who can make the decision to stop drinking and taking drugs. You can tell him how you feel but you would need to take legal advice about access. 

Meanwhile, keep photos of him for your daughter and talk about her dad in a positive way to her. You say he will make a great dad so you need to prepare the ground for when he is ready to give up his habits and take up this role – lay the foundations for a positive relationship and support it when it happens.

My husband can't bond with our daughter because she was born blue

My husband is finding it hard to bond with our third child due to the fact that things were a bit touch and go at the birth. Her heart rate dropped and I had to push her out quickly, the cord was wrapped around her neck twice which meant she was born blue. They had to give her extra help to breath but after a very scary few minutes she gave her first cry. My husband now can't look at her without seeing her blue, he is so worried that there is going to be something wrong with her and that he is going to lose her that he won't let himself get close to her. This is starting to affect our relationship as he doesn't want to do anything with her.

Thirza says: your husband will probably benefit from talking to your GP or going with you to see your health visitor for your daughter’s next check. In this way a medical professional can put his mind at ease.  If he can discuss his fears and receive a sound medical prognosis for your daughter and reassurance that she is fit and healthy he should feel able to allow himself to get to know her.

Nursery

My daughter screams and sobs when I take her to nursery

My 15-month old daughter goes to nursery once a week. She is used to mums and tots groups but I'm always there - even though she doesn't give me a second look! But when I drop her off at nursery all hell breaks loose. She clings to me for dear life and the teachers have to peel her off. I leave a nervous wreck, and when I pick her up she screams and sobs in my arms for ten minutes. The teachers say she is very unsettled. Is this separation anxiety?

Thirza says: even though your daughter didn’t give you a second look at mums and tots, she still knew you were there! And you are absolutely right – it is a form of separation anxiety. If your work commitments will allow it, go through the settling in process at nursery again. Take your daughter to nursery and stay and play with her (and her key worker if possible) for about 15–20 minutes before taking her home again. Repeat this for as long as it takes for her to move away from you of her own accord. When she is happy to do this, tell her you are just popping out to hang her coat up/talk to someone, then leave the room even if she seems upset and come straight back in again. Gradually build up this time out until you can leave her for her full session. Whatever you do, don’t do the 'she’s quietly playing – I’ll just sneak away' routine.  Always tell her you are going and that you will be back. How long this takes depends on each individual child and there may still be days when she cries but she will know you are coming back!

I have had to return to work part-time and have booked my daughter, seven months, into a day nursery. The nursery is really good; the staff are really friendly and I'm really happy with it. The trouble is, I'm paranoid that my daughter will not be happy, the staff will not be able to console her or, worse still, she will prefer them to me. My husband and his mum will also look after her one day a week each. I have no choice but to go back to work but feel so guilty. Are my fears justified? 

Thirza says: first of all, you are not alone in feeling guilty at leaving your daughter in day care. There are very few parents who don’t feel some kind of emotion at this time. The important thing to remember is that you and your husband are the most important people in her life and will continue to be whether she is in day care, looked after by her grandmother or by you and your husband.

It is very common to worry that your daughter may prefer her day carers to her parents but believe me – that just won’t happen! It is a real dilemma for parents – on the one hand we want our children to go happily into their nurseries or childminders’ homes but on the other hand we don’t want them to go too happily! There is always a part of us that wants our children to miss us just as we miss them. 

Rest assured that the staff in the nursery will know how to comfort your daughter because they will work in partnership with you and will listen to your advice about the best way to care for her. No-one will ever know your daughter better than you and your husband do, and well trained, highly professional staff in good day nurseries will know and respect that too. Ask the staff how they communicate with parents: they should provide you with regular updates on your daughter’s development and the activities she has done while away from you. They should also tell you how long she has slept, what she has had to eat and drink and even how many wet and dirty nappies she has produced! They will do their very best to make sure that you know as much as possible about your daughter’s day, even though you can’t be there to share it with her.

Feeding

My daughter is ten months old and I want to stop breastfeeding, but the problem is she is not taking the bottle and she is only sleeping while breastfeeding. I am confused how to do it and I find it very hard. Any tips?
 
Thirza says: there are a number of breast to bottle feeding systems on the market at the moment so you may want to investigate some of these as a first step. Take a look on the internet or ask in one of the larger high street baby specialist shops. Otherwise you could try going straight to a small feeding cup. Your daughter is obviously on solids as well now and you will be increasing these, so the breast milk is becoming less of a food and more a drink and comfort.

You could also ask your baby’s father or another close adult to offer the bottle or cup as she will not associate them with the breast and may well be more inclined to try a new drinking system if she can’t smell your breast milk. Once she has accepted the new bottle or cup from another adult, you can take over. The most important thing is to persevere:  you have done so well to still be feeding her at ten months and now is a perfectly good time to move her onto a cup or bottle. You may want to keep the last feed for a little while longer if she seems to need the “sleep clue” or routine, but don’t feel you have to do this if she is happy taking a cup at other times and still sleeps well. Don’t start to doubt yourself  - you are giving your daughter the best start in life and she will very soon get used to the new regime.

Should my eight-month-old need two feeds during the night?

My eight-month-old baby boy is still waking up twice a night for a milk feed. I am bottle feeding him. He usually wakes at 12am and then again at 4am and at both times he is drinking between 4 and 6oz of milk. Is this normal? Most of my friends babies sleep through the night. 

Thirza says: you don’t say if you have started weaning and introducing solids yet.  If not, I advise you talk to your health visitor as your little boy could now be needing something more than milk. What time is his last evening feed?  If it’s earlier than 7.00pm, try extending that to a little later so you push back the midnight feed.

Potty training

Our boys are three and have no interest in potty training. They are at the point when, if they are wet, they will take off their pull-ups, throw them away and put on clean ones. We have tried everything: praise, bribing, letting them run around naked, promises of trips to Disneyland, and nothing works. Our daughter, now 13, trained in a day, and I have been trying with the boys for months... Please help!

Thirza says: as you know, every child is different and what works for one child won’t necessarily work for another – even in the same family! Before starting any new regime, ask yourself whether there have been any major changes in their lives recently. New nursery or daycare, any changes at home? Changes which affect children are usually a result of adult actions and children have very little power to effect change themselves – potty training is one of the only power bases a child has! 

However, if everything is as normal you should expect your boys to have some control by now. The boys clearly don’t like to feel wet – you say they take off their wet pull-ups and throw them away so I would suggest that now is the time to put them into “big boys” pants so they realise that they can’t just go without a fairly serious consequence. 

Explain to them that they are big boys now and you are very proud of them! At the same time start to take them to the toilet or potty on a regular basis so they begin to see some routine in this – as soon as they wake up, after breakfast, mid-morning etc. Don’t worry or make a fuss if they don’t “perform”, just keep to the routine and give plenty of praise when they do use the toilet. There will obviously be a few accidents with this method but, again, just explain to the boys that it wouldn’t happen if they used the toilet and change them quietly without being upset.

Sleeping

My 11-month-old nearly choked on a piece of carrot recently, which was obviously very traumatic for us and her. Since then she wakes up once or twice a night absolutely screaming. I pick her up immediately and she is normally still very sleepy but trembling. I comfort her for a minute or so and put her back to bed and she always goes straight back to sleep without a peep. Is she having night terrors and, if so, is there a way off stopping them and, if not, how long will they go on for? 

Thirza says: this will pass, but don’t let it become a regular pattern.  If you can, gradually reduce picking her up and just comfort her with a gentle touch and a soothing voice she will soon settle again. Check that there is nothing waking her – is she waking up at a regular time each night? Is there a sudden noise or change in activity in the house at that time? Try to stay calm and she will pick that up from you.

How can I get my two-year-old to sleep through the night?

I've tried everything but my two-year old won't sleep through the night. He has always drunk a lot and wakes up in the night for a drink, which I think now is a habit. I'm expecting my second child in nine weeks so really need some help.

Thirza says: when your son wakes for a drink is this from a bottle or a cup? If it’s a bottle, this could well be habit so the first thing is to wean him onto a cup, preferably of water. If he is already on a cup then continue to go to him but don’t make a fuss of him or chat, just give him the water and put him straight back to bed. Spend as little time as possible doing this so it doesn’t become a social occasion; you can also reduce the amount of water in the cup so that he gradually gets used to taking less until it’s not worth waking up for!

Why has bedtime become such a terrible battle?

My daughter is eight-months-old and an absolute nightmare to get to sleep. Up until a few weeks ago I could put her in the cot with her dummy and she would fall asleep herself. Now it's a nightly battle. She screams the place down until I lie with her, and I have to go to her several times in the night. Naps are the same: she has to be rocked in the pram (not without putting up a fight), where she will sleep for only 20-30 mins. I've tried everything.

Thirza says: the first question to ask is has there been any change to her routine recently? Have there been any changes to the washing powders or liquids you use for her bedding? A different soap, chemical or smell can unsettle a small person. If so that could explain why she has suddenly started to behave differently. The trouble is that now she is into a different routine, with you  spending more time getting her off to sleep, so it’s back to basics!

Let’s start with rebuilding your daughter’s bedtime routine and her “sleep clues”.  Bathtime, pyjamas, last feed, cuddle and a song or gentle music, turn out the lights and make sure she can still hear noise in the house. If she cries, leave her for a few minutes then tuck her firmly in, and talk soothingly to her, stroking her hair, but try not to pick her up or take her into your bed.  This may take some time the first few nights but keep to the same routine and stay calm to give her the clues that it is time to settle down. 

You can also try giving her a bedtime comforter – a small soft blanket with a ribbon end is often very popular. Again, this will help to give her the clue that it is time to rest.  If she wakes in the night, check she is comfortable and if necessary change her nappy but without too much chatting – this is not a social occasion! Then it’s the same routine, back into bed, quiet voice, gentle stroking but no cuddling or lying down together! As soon as she is dropping off again leave her quietly and keep to this routine until she realises that this is sleep time, not activity time.

Does your daughter tell you when she is tired and needs a daytime nap or do you have a fixed time for these periods? If you have a fixed time, try going with your daughter’s natural body clock for a while and let her have a nap when she seems sleepy. You can gradually bring the times into a routine which suites you both.  

You say she will only go off to sleep if you rock her in her pram so is it possible to take her for a walk at her nap time? Is it also possible for her to sleep outside in her pram? Fresh air is a great aid to sleep and if she is dressed warmly and in a safe place where she can be seen from the house she should sleep well and for longer. Don’t forget to use a net over the pram to keep insects and cats away. Inbetween nap times, make sure she has plenty of activity and a good opportunity to exercise her growing limbs.

Why do bathing and teeth-brushing cause such huge tantrums?

My 10-month-old is really well behaved, that is until I need to change a nappy, dry her after her bath or clean her teeth. Over the past few weeks these activities have become increasingly a battle and sometimes it ends in a full-on temper tantrum. I shouted at her yesterday and felt really guilty afterwards but I was at the end of my tether. She is crawling now so whenever I lay her down to change a nappy or dry her she just crawls off. I had to put the changing mat on the floor for fear of her falling off the changing table. When it comes to teeth cleaning she just clamps up and arches back then has a tantrum. 

Thirza says: first of all – well done for putting the changing mat on the floor, this is by far the safest place to change a baby! As your daughter has learned to crawl she has discovered independence. In order to prevent this area of development now becoming a battleground, turn changing mat times into an opportunity for playing together – some real 1:1 time. Have a selection of toys and books ready by the mat so she has something to do while you change her. Talk and sing to her while you change her/dry her etc. and take your time – if she knows you are in a rush she will become more agitated too.

As for teeth cleaning, just leave it for a few days. Instead of cleaning her teeth, let her watch you cleaning yours. Hold her up so she can see what you are doing and when she shows some interest, give her her own toothbrush to hold and let her do it herself. I’m sure she is not having a lot of sweet, sticky foods so you are not going to damage her teeth by not cleaning them properly for a little while. It is more important that she starts to see this as just another part of everyday routine and not a potential win or lose battle!

Why has my baby started grunting at me?

My little boy is nearly ten months and recently he's started constantly grunting at me. If I pick him up he pushes me away, if I ignore him he grunts at me! He has just started nursery so that might have something to do with it.

Thirza says: your little boy is coping with a major change in his life at the moment. He is doing his best to communicate to you that he is a little confused about things. He needs to be certain that your affections are still the same for him despite his being away from you at nursery. Don’t over-react to his current behaviour, but keep as much as possible to his home routines so he maintains that security. Talk to his key worker at the nursery so that you work together to overcome this temporary phase. 

All my two-year-old says is 'No!'

My first child is now coming up to two. Recently she's started screaming "No" to everything you ask her to do, such as putting a toy away, giving the remote back or leaving the ornaments alone. It ends up a shouting match until I make her do it! I don't know if she's too young to understand the naughty corner or whether I'm expecting too much of her (my mum just thinks she's testing her boundaries).

Thirza says: first of all, please be aware that this is really normal behaviour – commonly known as “The Terrible Twos”! Your little girl has suddenly found her independence and is not being “naughty” so using a naughty corner or step isn’t really going to help. 

Show your little girl respect and that her opinions matter to you while making sure that she also realises that she does have to do things that you want!  Give her a choice about HOW she does something not IF she will do it. If you want her put her toy away, give her five minutes' warning and then give her the choice of putting the toy in a box or in a bag, or ask her where she would like to put it. If you are going out (another favourite battleground for two-year-olds!) give her the choice of which coat or hat she will wear or even which route to take. As for the ornaments, she does need to understand that some things are yours and not to be touched but I would put any really precious and fragile items out of reach while this phase lasts.

More expert answers

Eileen Hayes answers your toddler questions

Dorothy Einon answers your child development questions  

Dr Rob Fox answers your sex and general medical questions

Zita West answers your conception and fertility questions

Fiona Ford answers your pregnancy and breastfeeding nutrition questions

Alison Brown answers your bump, birth and baby questions

Thirza Ashelford answers your parenting questions

Please note: gurgle experts cannot answer questions directly nor answer every question. They reply to questions posted in the Chat & Answers section of the site at their and gurgle's discretion. If you would like to ask a question, please post it in the appropriate area of Chat & Answers where fellow gurgle users may respond to it. There is no guarantee that an expert will answer your question.   

The information provided by our experts is intended for educational purposes only. Neither the expert nor gurgle can be held responsible or liable for any loss or claim arising out of the use, or misuse, of the suggestions made on this site. As our experts do not know your specific circumstances, they are not suggesting any specific course of action for you to follow. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with your doctor or other healthcare professional for individualised health and medical advice. 

Published September 2008  

Eileen Hayes answers your toddler questions

Dorothy Einon answers your child development questions  

Dr Rob Fox answers your sex and general medical questions

Zita West answers your conception and fertility questions

Fiona Ford answers your pregnancy and breastfeeding nutrition questions

Alison Brown answers your bump, birth and baby questions

Thirza Ashelford answers your parenting questions

Please note: gurgle experts cannot answer questions directly nor answer every question. They reply to questions posted in the Chat & Answers section of the site at their and gurgle's discretion. If you would like to ask a question, please post it in the appropriate area of Chat & Answers where fellow gurgle users may respond to it. There is no guarantee that an expert will answer your question.   

The information provided by our experts is intended for educational purposes only. Neither the expert nor gurgle can be held responsible or liable for any loss or claim arising out of the use, or misuse, of the suggestions made on this site. As our experts do not know your specific circumstances, they are not suggesting any specific course of action for you to follow. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with your doctor or other healthcare professional for individualised health and medical advice. 

Published September 2008